3 Reasons Why Your Teen Is Pushing You Away
Your teenager used to tell you everything. Now they barely talk, seem irritated by your presence, and shut down when you try to help.
It feels personal. Like you’re being rejected. And no one told you parenting would feel this lonely.
But what if the pushing away isn’t about disliking you?
What if it’s about something much deeper, like your teen learning how to become themselves?
What’s Really Going On?
1. They want freedom
The freedom to choose. To take control. To make mistakes. To define themselves. To choose who their friends are. To pick their battles. To dictate how their routine looks like.
The teenage brain wires teenagers to seek autonomy (self-direction) and identity (who am I, what do I like, what do I not agree with). Shifting hormones, changing priorities. They’re preparing, biologically and emotionally, for adult life.
So when they say “you don’t get it” or argue over rules, they’re not just being difficult. They’re trying to fight for what matters to them.
Ψ When teens are supported to make age-appropriate choices while still feeling emotionally connected at home, they develop what’s known as an “autonomous, relational self”. They become individuals who are confident and responsible, who can self-advocate but also respect others.
2. Peer approval feels urgent
Their friends matter more than ever. That’s not a betrayal, it’s development.
Being accepted by peers helps teens:
Ψ Build social skills (communication, conflict resolution, empathy, boundaries)
Ψ Explore different sides to them (interests, perspectives, relationships)
Ψ Find a sense of belonging and camaraderie
So yes, your curfew might feel like a personal attack to them. But what they’re really reacting to is a fear of missing out or being excluded from their social world.
3. They don’t feel heard
Your teen might not say it out loud, but they do want to be understood. When they stop talking, it’s often because:
Ψ They think you’ll lecture instead of listen
Ψ They feel dismissed when they open up
Ψ Or they’re unsure how to put their feelings into words (being vulnerable is difficult!)
What sounds like defiance may really be a fear of judgment or invalidation. They want connection, but they also want respect.
Common Myths About Teens Pulling Away
-
They do. But only when they feel safe enough to disagree with you without punishment.
-
Over-control often leads to secrecy or shutdown.
Teens are more likely to cooperate when they feel they have some control and when the boundaries are clear.
-
Most teens aren’t trying to hurt you.
They’re learning how to think for themselves, negotiate boundaries, and figure out who they’re becoming.
Here’s What You Can Try
1. Allow Negotiation Without Losing Boundaries
Know your non-negotiables (e.g. safety), but be open to how they’re met.
Ψ For example: “You can go out to study with your friends. But I need to know that you’re safe. Can we talk about how we can check in?”
This gives them agency within safe limits, which promotes cooperation—not just compliance.
2. Validate Before Problem-Solving
You don’t have to agree with everything they say but acknowledge that it matters.
Ψ For example: “It sounds like this plan really matters to you. I want to understand why it’s important. Can we talk about that?”
Feeling heard reduces defensiveness and opens space for meaningful conversation.
3. Offer Choices
When possible, offer them a say.
Ψ For example: “You can do your homework before dinner or after—but I expect you to sleep by 9pm.”
Teens are more likely to cooperate when they feel in control of how things happen.
4. Create No-Pressure Connection Moments
Not every conversation has to be serious.
Ψ Watch a show or movie together
Ψ Sit beside them on a bus ride
Ψ Ask about their interests, thoughts, not just school
Ψ Try out activities they like, together
Casual, non-demanding presence builds trust and safety over time even if they don’t show it.
Quick-Reference: What to Try When They Push You Away
Ψ Stay calm, not controlling
Ψ Focus on why they want what they want
Ψ Listen without jumping in to fix
Ψ Explain your boundaries and why they matter
Ψ Allow room for negotiation, allow them to choose
Ψ Give space when needed but stay close by
Ψ Pause if things get heated, but always agree to come back to the conversation (agree to try again) when both of you are calmer
When to Worry
Some conflict is normal. But if you’re seeing:
Ψ Intense emotional outbursts
Ψ Total communication breakdown
Ψ Risk-taking with older peer groups
Ψ Withdrawal from school, friends, or family
These may be signs your teen is overwhelmed, not just moody. It’s okay to check if they want to speak to someone else. A trusted friend, relative or therapist.
Some teenagers don’t feel comfortable talking about specific topics with their parents.
The Takeaway
Teens push away to practise growing up. But they still want a parent who:
Ψ Listens without lecturing
Ψ Guides without controlling
Ψ Trusts without disappearing
You don’t have to be perfect. Just present. Patient. Willing to grow with them. And if it’s feeling too hard, you don’t have to take it on alone.
