“But I Don’t Wanna!”: Understanding and Managing Children’s Whining

Why do children whine? 

Whining is a common and developmentally appropriate way for children to get our attention and have their needs met quickly (e.g., food, rest, toy, emotional comfort). They have not learned an alternative productive way to communicate and achieve those needs. As such, they whine, throw tantrums, or repeatedly ask for the same thing. 

Often, whining proves to be an effective strategy to get us adults to concede. In some cases, we respond in annoyance and demand the child to stop the behaviour. Although we respond with a negative reaction (e.g. reprimand, correct them) rather than giving them positive attention, the child’s whining successfully captured our attention. This reinforces the behaviour, making it more likely to recur. Resultingly, children may continue to whine repeatedly, hoping that their persistence will eventually lead to us giving in to their demands. 

How to respond 

1. Acknowledge and validate your child’s emotions  

As children are still developing emotional self-regulation abilities, it is essential for adults to step in and guide them in managing their big emotions.  

Let your child know that their feelings of anger and disappointment are valid but explain that whining to get their way is unacceptable. An example is, “I know you are feeling upset and disappointed that you could not go to the playground today. That’s okay, it is normal to feel that way sometimes. But whining isn’t the right way to ask for things. Why don’t you try telling me how youre feeling with your words.” It is important to show empathy and understanding of how they feel while setting clear boundaries around their undesirable behaviour. This helps the child feel heard and valued, while learning that whining is not an appropriate way of expressing their needs.  

2. Minimise negative attention  

Whining is inevitable. So, it is important to remain calm and do not react rashly when it happens. Reacting with irritation or frustration can unintentionally reinforce the behaviour as the child gains the understanding that whining helps them get their way. Instead, take a breath and respond calmly. Be firm in setting your expectations and boundaries. For example: “I’m happy to talk when you’re ready to use your calm voice.” Consistency is key. If the whining behaviour is rewarded even occasionally, it may become reinforced and more challenging to eliminate.  

In the beginning, this may result in your child whining even louder in their desperate attempt to get your attention. However, calmly let it happen and overtime, these whining behaviours will begin to extinguish as they learn whining is not associated with attention.  

3. Reward desirable behaviour with positive attention 

When your child expresses their needs calmly without whining, it is crucial to acknowledge and praise their good behaviour with positive attention. This could take the form of a smile, nod, praise or a hug. That way, the child will learn a more constructive way of expressing thier needs, encouraging them to seek attention using positive behaviours. 

For instance, you can praise the child by saying, “I like that you are finding other toys to play with now that you cannot go to the playground”, or “I like that you are asking nicely”. 

 4. Set expectations of behaviour 

Before whining even begins, work together with your child to set clear expectations for their behaviour.  

Firstly, make sure they understand what whining is. You could point it out and label it when it happens or record it down for them to listen to after they calm down. Then, propose specific positive behaviours that you would prefer to replace whining. For example, it could be helpful to equip them with specific words and phrases that could help them communicate their wants. When a triggering situation arises, you can then redirect them back to these ground rules. For example, “I understand that you are disappointed that you cannot go to the playground today, but whining isn’t going to change that. Remember what we talked about – how do we ask for something in a kind and respectful way?”  

 5. Empower them with emotional regulation skills 

Children still face difficulties in emotion self-regulation, so it is our role to help them navigate through difficult feelings such as disappointment, frustration, and sadness – teaching them healthier ways to cope without resorting to whining. 

For example, if your child is upset because you told them that they cannot go the playground, you could try gently guiding them towards calming strategies. They could take a few deep breaths, sit quietly in a cozy corner or get a cold drink to soothe themselves. 

You could also build their problem-solving skills by suggesting alternative activities they can enjoy at home, redirecting their focus and giving them a sense of autonomy. 

While whining can be frustrating, it can get better! Just be prepared that the whining behaviour will not disappear overnight and change will take time. Be patient, stay consistent and know that you are not alone!