Parenting Guilt
24 hours – that is all we got in a day, and sometimes, it just does not feel like enough.
Between work, responsibilities, and the demands of parenthood, we may feel like we’re being stretched thin. In a rush, we may unintentionally miss out on meaningful moments with our children – moments we wish we had been present for. And when that happens, the guilt creeps in: “I should have been there!”.
While it is perfectly understandable why we feel guilty, it is important not to dwell on it – because guilt, left unchecked, can turn into a vicious cycle. We start questioning our worth as parents, overcompensating in ways that are not sustainable. At the end of the day, this may leave us feeling even more inadequate when we inevitably fall short again.
The truth is, this guilt stems from our desire to do our best for our children. Out of love, we strive for a perfection that is unattainable, resulting in feelings of not being good enough. This guilt clouds our judgement and keeps us stuck in self-criticism instead of growth. So, it is crucial we learn how to manage this guilt so we can continue to grow to become better parents.
Here are some ways we can overcome parenting guilt:
1.Practise self-compassion
BREATHE. You are doing your best and let us take a moment to acknowledge that. We feel guilty simply because we care. We want the best for our children and that’s beautiful! But let us also remember to take care of ourselves so that we can continue to love our children to the best of our ability.
Find a quiet space and take a moment to relax and take a few deep, calming breaths. Notice and acknowledge your feelings of guilt, just like how you would for a friend, without judgement but with kindness and acceptance. We are our toughest critics: we set high expectations for ourselves and hold ourselves accountable for when we do not meet them. But let’s remember that we are only human. It is okay to make mistakes. We are not defined by our mistakes but how we react to them! So, give yourself the grace and space to grow.
2.Reframe negative thoughts
More often than not, feelings of guilt arise from the unexamined thoughts that spiral unchecked in our minds. These thoughts fuel the feelings of guilt. However, they are often untrue and catastrophising (e.g. “If I mess up once, I have damaged my child.”). In such moments, it is helpful to challenge these thoughts.
We can ask ourselves the following questions:
“Does this thought make sense?”
“What is the evidence for this thought? Are there moments that prove otherwise?”
“What would I say to a friend in this situation?”
We can then reframe the negative thought to a more positive and realistic one (e.g. “One mistake will not ruin my child's life. I am doing my best and what matters is how I respond to it.”)
3.Create Realistic Expectations
Pause and think, what do you define as a “good” parent? Are your expectations shaped by your personal value? Or are you comparing yourself to parenting social media influencers who seem to be the picture of perfection? Parenting is not easy and looks different for every child. It is important we are aware of this and set realistic expectations. Ask yourself: What kind of parent do you want to be? Let these values guide your parenting instead of striving for perfection. Being a parent is not about never making mistakes; it is about good enough parenting where your child feels safe and loved.
4.Set Up Reminders
Practically, we can also turn to technology for help! There is no shame in relying on technology to help us remember important dates. Let us make the most of our digital calendars and reminders to notify us of important upcoming events. This eases the pressure of having to remember everything on your own!
5.Take Care of Yourself
Chronic guilt can lead to parental burnout. We need to be vigilant in checking in with ourselves. You do not have to carry this all on your own. We could already be giving it our 110%. But sometimes, there may simply be too much on our plate. We can approach others, like our spouse, for help so that our tasks are more manageable.
Juggling everything can be exhausting so it is important to take breaks from time to time to recharge ourselves, so that we can continue to give it our all afterwards! If the feelings of guilt are overwhelming, it could also be useful to seek professional help. Remember, there is no shame in asking for help.
As loving parents, we all want the best for our children, and it’s natural to feel lousy when we feel like we aren’t providing the best for them. But let’s try to remember to be kinder to ourselves because letting go of guilt allows us to be present and love our children more authentically and with more compassion! Remember, the goal of parenting is not perfection but ensuring our children feel loved.
