The Role of Emotions in Undesirable Behaviours
Whining, crying, kicking and screaming. These behaviours are not easy to deal with on a daily basis. Why do children do this and how should we respond?
First, let’s take a SEAT to understand the functions of their behaviours. After, we could offer alternative behaviours as replacements. Remember not to reward them for problem behaviours!
Sensory: for sensory stimulation. Sometimes, especially when they are anxious, or excited, children might hit the table or put inedible things in their mouths. This soothes them, making them feel good.
You can teach them a replacement that provides compatible sensory input.
E.g. If a child puts inedible things in their mouth, provide him or her a chew tube or an edible food to chew.
Escape: to remove undesirable activities, interactions or situations. Children may try to “escape” when tasks are understimulating, too difficult, easy, boring or undesired.
You can provide a “first…then…” prompt to them. E.g. first – shower, then – play blocks.
You could also offer them choices or teach them to request for a break.
Attention: to seek access or awareness from people. Children may whine or scream when they want your attention.
You can provide attention and positive reinforcement before the problematic behaviour happens.
E.g. if a child screams to get your attention, praise them on times when they are quiet (“I like when you tell me what you need politely and gently”)
Tangible: to seek access to preferred items or activities.
You can teach your child to ask for, wait and exhibit specific behaviour before allowing them access to the item.
E.g. if your child cries for the iPad, teach them to make a request before giving it to them.
Responding to whining: Emotion Coaching
As suggested above, children may whine for several reasons. Sometimes, they struggle to label their emotions and verbalise their needs. Instead of dismissing or punishing them for trying to express themselves, we can hear them out.
Inspired by Dr. John Gottman, emotion coaching ultimately aims to help your child build emotional intelligence and creates positive, long-lasting effects to their lives. With emotion coaching, your child can learn to manage their emotions better.
Elements of emotion coaching
Become aware of your child’s emotions
Recognise the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching
Listen and validate your child’s feelings
Helping them label the emotion
Set limits and explore strategies to solve the problem at hand
Here are three steps to guide you on this emotional journey:
Name and validate emotions
Help your child process what they are feeling by naming their emotion.
Child: He took my toy!
Parent: You’re upset because he took your toy when you were playing with it.
Process emotions
Guide your child to their calming space. This could be a corner in living room with a comfort object. Give them the chance calm their body and process their emotions to get ready for problem-solving!
Problem-solve
Brainstorm solutions together with your child. Instead of telling them what to do, listen to their needs and allow them to suggest alternatives to their behaviours. They would be more likely to implement solutions they had come up with on their own. If needed, make your own suggestions and ask them how they feel about it.
