Effective Co-Parenting
Parental separation is a stressful period for both the child(ren) and the parent(s). There are many factors affecting this transition into a new family dynamic, including your child’s age and the relationship between the child and each parent prior to the separation.
Co-parenting refers to the sharing of parenting responsibilities and duties between both parents after separation. According to studies, this method of parenting has been found to act as a protective factor by providing a sense of consistency and security despite the changes in the family dynamics and arrangements.
Separation can occur between unmarried and married couples with children. Each has its own set of implications and factors to consider. The main difference between the two would be the role of the court when it comes to couples married under the eyes of the law. Co-parenting after separation is a multifaceted process that includes the role of the counsellor and/or family mediator.
Ψ Role of the counsellor
Mediate with a background in counselling and/or psychology
Dissipate maladaptive thoughts and encourage positive thoughts
Ψ Family mediator
Encourage the idea of co-parenting if not keen or open to it
Be the middleman in potential conflicts
It is crucial for parent(s) to understand that the focus of co-parenting is not just about tackling parent-to-parent issue(s) but rather the communication of agreement regarding the child’s upbringing, and overall collaborative parenting skills to positively impact the child.
What are some tips for effective co-parenting?
1. Practice Open Communication Regarding Parenting Matters
It is crucial to update one another and agree on parenting matters to maintain consistency between the two households (for separate living arrangements). This also includes decisions on disciplinary practices.
In fact, unified parenting has been found to reduce behavioural and emotional issues in children as it provides a sense of security and predictability, and supports a positive relationship with both parents (Feinberg, 2002). It also prevents favouritism that may arise when one parent adopts a more lenient approach to discipline.
Most importantly, avoid using your child as the communicator between you and the other parent. This is exhausting for your child and may only bring up tension between your child and either/both parent(s).
Communication can be done via collaborative online platforms such as Google Calendar or shared documents if frequent meetups are not possible or preferred.
2. Put Yourself in Your Child's Shoes & Empathise
Before reacting based on your emotions, take a step back and reflect on how being a witness to an unpleasant parent-to-parent interaction can impact your child. Think about the difficult emotions your child may be feeling and empathise and acknowledge that it is a hard situation to go through.
For example: Before ranting about the other parent to your child, think about how the words you say can affect how they view their parent
3. Watch Your Words
It can be difficult to speak kindly about someone who has hurt you. But remember, you are talking about your child’s parent – and it is important for a child to have a positive view of both their parents. Each parent has their own individual strengths and weaknesses. Acknowledging other parent’s strengths not only helps model good values for your child but also helps your child to see both parents having their best interests at heart. Even if acknowledging these strengths seem impossible, do not speak unkindly about the other parent in front of your child.
All in all, effective co-parenting means that decisions made between the two parents prioritises the child’s needs and interests. It may be tough, but it is crucial to put aside negative or foul feelings about one another when making decisions for your child. Remember, the separation was an adult decision that comes along with adult responsibilities; it would be unfair to place the pressure of relationship tensions on your child.
