When the Hurt Goes Online: Digital Self-Harm
You already worry about what your child sees or says online. But what happens when the pain they feel shows up as the content—when they use the internet to hurt themselves?
What is Digital Self-Harm?
Digital self-harm is when someone posts cruel or degrading messages about themselves online, often using fake accounts to do it anonymously.
It can look like cyberbullying from others, but the person behind the screen is your child.
They might write comments like:
“I’m so useless. Nobody likes me.”
“You should just disappear already.”
It can also involve:
Posting images of self-injury
Joining online forums that glorify self-harm
Using social media to punish themselves emotionally
Ψ Examples of Digital Self-Harm
Fake profiles leaving hateful comments on their own posts
Screenshots of “cyberbullying” that seem staged
Dramatic self-deprecating posts or “help me” messages
A strong interest in harmful online spaces or self-hate forums
Sometimes, there are no obvious signs. A change in mood, increased secrecy, or a sense that something’s not quite right.
Why Would My Child Do This?
It’s hard to imagine why someone would bully themselves online. But to a young person in distress, it can serve a purpose:
To see if anyone cares enough to defend them
To feel control over emotional pain
To punish themselves for feeling “not good enough”
To get attention, validation, or sympathy—when asking for help feels impossible
To test friendships or express overwhelming emotions like shame or anger
For many teens, digital self-harm is a coping mechanism. This is done using the tools they know best: their phone, their feed, their screen.
What Parents Can Do
Discovering that your child is harming themselves online can feel scary. Here are steps to respond calmly and effectively:
1. Stay Calm. Start Soft.
Reacting with anger or panic can push your child away. Instead, approach with empathy:
Ψ “It seems like you’re going through a lot. I want to understand what’s been going on.”
2. Listen More Than You Talk
Avoid accusations or lectures. Many children already feel ashamed. Offer patience and presence:
Ψ “I’m here to listen. Take your time. What’s been feeling hard for you lately?”
3. Reassure Them
Let your child know they’re not alone:
Ψ “You don’t have to go through this by yourself. We’ll figure this out together.”
4. Offer Safer Ways to Cope
If your child uses digital self-harm to manage emotional pain, suggest alternatives:
Drawing on skin with markers
Rubbing ice on wrists
Squeezing stress balls
Journalling, walking, music, or art
5. Support Healthy Digital Boundaries.
Work together, not by spying, but by building trust. Ask about their online experience:
Ψ I’d love to know what you enjoy online. Can we look at it together sometime?
Sit down together to create a simple media use plan.
Set screen-free times (e.g. during meals or before bed)
Identify safe apps or websites and which ones might need breaks
Plan offline activities together and “digitally detox”
Be curious, not critical. Connection matters more than control.
The Takeaway
When you stay calm, open, and connected, you create the safety your child needs, even when they can’t ask for it directly. Digital self-harm is a sign of deeper emotional pain, but your willingness to understand can make all the difference.
