When the Hurt Goes Online: Digital Self-Harm
You may already worry about what your child sees or says online. But what happens when the pain they’re feeling shows up as the content—when they use the internet to hurt themselves?
What is Digital Self-Harm?
Digital self-harm is when a person posts cruel or degrading messages about themselves online, sometimes using fake accounts to do it anonymously.
It may look like bullying from someone else, but it's self-directed.
They might write comments like:
“I’m so useless. Nobody likes me.”
“You should just disappear already.”
It can also look like traditional self-harm brought into the online world—such as posting images of injuries, joining forums that glorify self-harm, or using the internet as a space to punish oneself emotionally.
Ψ Examples of Digital Self-Harm
Fake profiles interacting cruelly with your child’s posts
Screenshots of “cyberbullying” that feel oddly staged
Self-deprecating comments or dramatic “help me” posts
A fascination with harmful online spaces or self-hate forums
Sometimes, there are no obvious signs. A change in mood, increased secrecy, or a sense that something’s not quite right.
Why Would My Child Do This?
It’s hard to imagine why someone would bully themselves online. But to a young person in distress, it can serve a purpose:
To see if anyone cares enough to defend them
To feel control over emotional pain
To punish themselves for feeling “not good enough”
To get attention, validation, or sympathy—when asking for help feels impossible
To prove resilience, by showing they can take the hate
Sometimes it’s a cry for help. Sometimes it’s an attempt to test friendships, express emotional pain, or even cope with overwhelming feelings like shame, anger or self-hate.
Emotionally, it’s often a way to survive inner pain using the tools they know: their phone, their feed, their screen.
What You Can Do
1. Stay Calm. Start Soft.
If you discover your child has been posting harmful messages about themselves, it’s normal to feel scared or angry.
But start with care. A calm tone helps them feel safe.
Ψ Try saying: “It seems like you’re going through a lot. I want to understand what’s been going on.”
2. Listen More Than You Talk.
Avoid accusations or judgement. Many children feel ashamed (they know it’s not “right”) and fear disappointing you. Offer your presence and patience.
Ψ Try saying: “I’m here to listen. Take your time. What’s been happening lately that’s felt really hard for you?”
3. Reassure Them.
Ψ Try saying: “You don’t have to go through this by yourself. I’m here. We’ll figure this out together.”
4. Offer Safer Ways to Cope.
If your child is using digital self-harm to manage emotional pain, introduce alternatives:
Drawing on skin with markers
Rubbing ice on wrists
Squeezing stress balls
Journalling, walking, music, or art
5. Support Healthy Digital Boundaries.
Work together to create safer online habits, without resorting to spying. Build trust by staying involved in their digital world—asking, not policing.
Ψ Instead of checking their phone without permission, try saying:
“I’d love to understand more about what it’s like for you online. Can we look at it together sometime?”
Sit down together to create a simple media use plan. You can agree on things like:
What times of day are screen-free (e.g. during meals or before bed)
Which apps or websites feel safe and which ones might need breaks
When it’s okay to take a “digital detox” and do something offline together
Ask them to show you the platforms they use and what they enjoy about them. Be curious, not critical.
The Takeaway
When you stay open, calm and connected, you create the safety that children may not know how to ask for. Even when the pain shows up in confusing ways, your willingness to understand it matters more than having all the answers.
